This crow visited a few nights in a row and repeatedly pecked at the window. The first night it happened, I was home alone and the sound made me jump. It made a mess - peck marks allover the glass. I thought it was strange the first time, never mind the next night and the night after. I Googled it and the factual explanation is that apparently sometimes crows see their own reflection and… attack (?) it… but that doesn’t explain the repetitive routine of the act. The more whimsical explanation and honestly the one I believe is that it was a sign that a transformation was under way. Google told me that crows symbolise transformation - also death… but I decided to go with transformation. Perhaps death makes sense too - in a "the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now" type of way.

The crow visited - I can’t remember exactly when but it was sometime in March, April or May. I was having a really tough time. I was describing it as "the most difficult time in my adult life", which is all a bit dramatic really in the grand scheme of things but also a reminder that in if this were the case, then my adult life so far has been pretty fucking dreamy.  So with the feeling that I was going through "the most difficult time in my adult life", this crow aggressively pecking at my window as a symbol of transformation had quite a significant impact. Around that time, I also saw a TikTok of somebody describing how before a "break through" or a transformation, it can feel like everything is falling apart. That, your life is getting rid of what no longer serves you - to make space for the new and better things that are coming. I know that this sort of stuff is always out there on social media feeds and I know that I only paid attention to it because it resonated when usually I would just scroll on past but truth is… after the aggressive crow pecking and feeling like things were falling apart… transformation did in fact come. 

Perhaps transformation isn’t quite the right word actually… because that sounds like I’ve completely changed which I haven’t. In fact, I feel more "me" than ever. I think it’s perhaps how I perceive my external identity that has shifted - it feels more in line with what my actual identity is. I’m getting better at being able to speak my mind and practicing a lot more out loud.  A significant part of this is that I now have my own business. I have a lot of freedom and flexibility BUT and it’s a big BUT… I haven’t made any money yet. There’s a chance this could all go down the pan but I reckon it won’t. I reckon the crow visiting repeatedly was teaching me persistence; that I am transforming - but it takes more than one peck at the window to be transformed.

I’m still in the process of letting go of some of the things I had become known for - things that were seen as being part of my identity. It’s not easy but it’s bringing me closer to who I truly am, who I want to be and what I believe. I definitely feel more open, I have more capacity to love, care and listen than before… and I’m writing again which feels important and nice. I’ve written a lot actually - it’s poured out of me with ease - and as a result of that flow - I bring plenty of improper formatting and bad grammar, but I don’t care about that. Not for this blog.